Are you a prisoner to your shame?

By Dann Aungst

Let’s explore what shame is and how it can impact our lives.

According to John Bradshaw, in his book Healing the Shame that Binds You, he writes, “Shame looks to the outside for happiness and validation because the inside is flawed and defective.”

Shame often forms our personal identity, or what we call a “false self.”

Where does shame come from?

Typically, shame originates from negative experiences during our formative years.

Here are some familiar sources of shame that come from negative experiences:

1. Emotional trauma (death of a loved one, divorce, witnessing an act of violence, emotional abuse, personal failures)

2. Physical trauma (being in a car accident, experiencing physical abuse, military action, war, or other physical accidents)

3. Personal neglect (a child with needs not met, being left alone at a young age, living in a poor or financially distressed family, ignored by a babysitter, uncared for properly by an absent parent possibly caused by poor behavior of the parent, such as due to alcoholism)

4. Verbal abuse (verbally abusive parents toward the child or even one another, witnessing verbal abuse from a critical role model such as siblings or parents)

5. Spiritual abuse (discipline with guilt of God, using God to manipulate behaviors, a pastor or church member in authority abusing a child)

6. Abandonment (divorce, a parent leaving, death of a loved one, older sibling moving away or going to college, a parent taking a work shift in the evenings, a parent working two or more jobs that are keeping them away from home.)

The following events may seem less significant and would be less likely to be the cause of trauma, but they can be substantial to a young person who doesn’t understand otherwise. With young children, the universe revolves around them, and everything that happens can be perceived personally. They do not see the “big picture.”